What if my resistance is deeply loved no matter what?
The insidiousness was profound; the feeling of having my power totally dismantled was maddening. To think that no matter how long, large or broad I had resistance, I would be loved was terrifying.
At first, as we moved in and out of the spaces, I had thought of resistance in terms of my immune system. But the more we worked with the word, the more fluid the boundaries of body and mind were becoming…a fading in and out between my immune defense, and my stubborn defensiveness! Are pathogen and Other intertwined in some unconscious inner terrain?
If a 'pathogen' came into my system truly loving me, would my immune system fail to protect me; no matter what my immune system would do, the 'pathogen' would love me? Would it even be seen as a pathogen? It seemed like a fatal flaw in my system.
If I repeat the above paragraph, using the word an Other, I can feel a mistrust that runs so deep within.
At one point, I moved to a space where it seemed that if I loved the 'pathogen', something changed. It lost interest in me. I was no longer nourishment for it. It would have to find someone else to feed upon. There was no magnetism. I would be safe. Yet as a strategy even this is resisting the 'pathogen', “trying to love it" in order to get rid of it. That is not love; it is manipulation, and just another form of resistance.
Yet, the “pathogen” is patient and thorough in its loving.
As we worked, I realized I began to enjoy that the 'pathogen' would love me/my resistance, no matter how big I could make it. Yet my mind was quick to take charge. It could be very dangerous. I could feel that when I enjoyed it, I was lowering my resistance to it….allowing it to come in.
Back to resisting!
But what is it that I am resisting….pleasure? ...being loved?
What is it in me that would want to resist that which truly, deeply loves me, all of me, including my resistance, and see it as a pathogen? If I really allow myself to imagine what it would mean for the pathogen to truly love my resistance, what would that look like?
Slowly, I became aware of my relationship to resistance as an autoimmune response. I have a deep knowing response to love, and I resist it. I hold myself back. I resist who I am, sometimes in shame, sometimes in pride, or arrogance, or anger, and mostly just fear. This resistance undermines health. There is an intelligent energy that I resist/hold back, yet it has to go somewhere. If I do not let it move, if I keep it held tight, I am using my energy against myself, instead of loving it, instead of allowing it to love me.
Am I resisting Love?
Later, when I was a in the space of being the pathogen, and another was defending against me, I felt compelled to pursue him. Yet, as soon as he was not resisting me, all movement of pursuit disappeared. I stopped acting like a 'pathogen'. I was just in relationship with him, and there was just energy, and vitality, pleasure and joy.
Is this the evolution of consciousness….learning that in letting go of resistance, I let go of the need of the 'pathogen' I have called in to show me my resistance? Can I trust what is within me enough to let go of my resistance and thereby allow my true responses come forward, without resistance, without fighting it, without fighting myself.
Is it possible that I am calling in the “pathogens” I need in order to learn where I am resisting, holding my energy/myself back, so that I may realize it and let go, allow the energy to flow, allow my expression its freedom.….that the 'pathogens' who love me in the face of my fear, teach me love?
After even more time, I realized that loving the resistance in others was growing in me, giving me information, guiding me on my own path, teaching me to be more aware of the nuances between myself and others…showing me that where I have resistance, I have fear, I hold back…hold my energy. Is this what the pathogens/others are responding to??
What an amazing dance of healing…the repulsion I try to create through my resistance attracts exactly that which loves me deeply and patiently until I can find joy in the love, until I allow my inner responses to come forth, knowing that they will be exactly true and right for me.... until I trust myself.
The size of the resistance is the size of the love that is yet to be free to dance in joy. So blessed are we to have such a magnificent 'immune system', calling in our loving family, friends and pathogens so that we may learn the fullness of our brilliant Love!